I don’t know why I am writing this at all. I have this compulsion to do something, but at the same time I don’t want to do it. It would be nice if I could satisfy the compulsion and do it, but I understand why I don’t want to do it. I can recall how terrible it turned out when I did do it. That is a powerful motivator is the avoidance of pain.

That is the problem that has plagued me most of my life. That there has been no clear idea of where to go. Even today with what happen that caused the pain so long ago, it still affects me deeply. The first time for anything regardless of how it turns out tends to have an powerful impact. At least it seems the case for me.

I have been spending my life since then trying to find a way to satisfy this compulsion I have and avoid the possibility of the pain again. But I just don’t have any confidence in myself. I am willing to start and have hope that it will work this time. But there reaches a point that the possibility that I will be hurt in the same way again is a real concern and I give up. If I wanted to sum up my life that it would be it. A lot of things I have started and none I finished.

But to be honest, that is just on the surface. If that is all there was then I don’t think it will be as bad as it feels. For one thing, this just a puzzle to figure out. How to accomplish what I want and avoid the pain. I love puzzles. But there is more I think that skews my view and make it hard to solve the puzzle.

I am not even sure how to express what is beyond the compulsion. It is something that doesn’t get expressed when I talk about what happen. Often times the expression of what happen focuses on the point, but fails to follow the line that comes from that point. It is only recently myself that I started to follow that line myself. To see where it does and understand better what is happening with me.

So maybe that is one way to satisfy that compulsion. Follow the line and see where it goes. Express what I see along the way. Hopefully this will be something I can finish. There is that real expectation of pain from trying to do the compulsion. But also since I cannot see where the line goes, I don’t what will happen as I follow it. Well there be something along the way that stops me besides the possibility of pain? I don’t know! But I expect there will be things that test me. I might falter and stop following line. But I have to try anyway. Because there is another compulsion urging me on. That compulsion being curiosity.